Irony

...can be pretty ironic sometimes.

Village People cop arrested in South San Francisco

Has a car alarm...

...ever actually prevented a theft? I wondered this at 4:14 AM
this morning when an alarm went off nearby and stayed on for
about 15 minutes.

Why pay more?

I am a man of many talents, yet the one that makes friends and foes boil over with envy are my mad couponing skillz. Example: I once paid $41 for $82 worth of groceries and shelled out a mere $4 for $18 worth of crap at CVS. How? Behold, some of my secrets:

Shop around: what your momma told you was right-on. The aforementioned CVS often has better deals than the local grocery store, plus they take coupons (though no doubling) and give store coupons to ExtraCare card users. And good ones, too, like $3 off your next purchase. Others go store hopping, buying the big sale items at each area store. Chances are you don't have this much free time. In my fantasies about life after marriage, being able to do this is front and center.

A good offense: Sunday coupons are often correlated to store sales that week. Take 10 minutes to look at the store circular, then look at your coupon stash, and plan your Bill Laimbeer-esque attack.

Collect: Get one of them cheapo coupon organizers that Wal-Mart or CVS sell for $3-$5, then file new coupons there each week. You'll have a much easier time finding that 55 cents off Wishbone dressing coupon when you need it.

BOGO: Many coupons require purchase of 2 (or more!). Save these for buy 1, get 1 sales. Technically, you're still buying 2 items. Don't let the cashier try and tell you otherwise.

Clever: 3 for $3 does not usually mean you have to buy 3. Read the fine print. If you only need 1, don't get seduced into buying more.

Swap: Why throw away unused coupons each week when you can swap with a neighbor? One man's trash is another man's 35 cents off Hot Pockets. Seriously, a friend's father does this and swears by it. Some public libraries even have coupon swap bins (not to mention vast CD and audiobook collections that are ripe for ripping onto your home PC, but that's another post).

Rebates - delicious but devious: Tivo made $5 million+ last fiscal quarter because people bought the box and did not mail in the $100 rebate form. Hint: take 5 minutes, follow the instructions to a T, and be vigilant. This same company "lost" my rebate application. One phone call later, a $100 check was en route.

Study the masters: I find this woman's work inspiring.

What I don't do:

• Buy brand names at warehouse clubs--unless it's on sale - buying in bulk usually costs more than buying the same items on sale at grocery stores, plus you look like a jackass lugging 56 rolls of toilet paper around the parking lot. That said, Costco only marks up their prices by 15%, so if they have something on sale, go nuts.
• Get on my knees - some recommend calling companies' toll-free #s and asking to have coupons mailed to you. In this case, I am too proud to beg.
• Shop at all-generic stores like Aldi - My standards are high, and generic Cheerios lack that je ne sais quoi.

I do all of this not for lack of things to do, but because suburban living ain't inexpensive, and beating the system is a cheap thrill. And I do mean cheap.

Here's to you, Niantic Center

Bob Jingle's and Rain Delay's hometown reminiscences prompted me to check in with my old elementary school. Greeting visitors upon arrival was once a sound clip of their school anthem. It's low-fi, off-key, and yet hauntingly beautiful. But how could it not be, with lyrics like:

The symbol of the school we love
Is a little scallop shell
And everyday you'll hear him say
"In school you must do well!"

Yet there are traces of brainwashing throughout, with lines like:

Now let us sing 'til echoes ring
And pledge our loyalty

Did they really need us to pledge loyalty? After all, where you went to school was dictated by your neighborhood. A mass defection to Lillie B. Haynes was not possible, even though their playground ran circles around our tetherball-less tetherball pole.

So why the Stalin-esque loyalty oath? And why is the little scallop shell talking to me?

Dogs are funny

A play on words

Cleverest headline of the week:




















By the way, would anyone actually pay to see a play on words? I say only if it was a razzle-dazzle musical called "Semantics!"

Google has got your number

Google unveiled their new blog search tool today. Now at lightning speed, you can find the number of blogs referencing:

• rats humping in a wool sock: 2
• free kittens: 638
• Comparisons of the ex-FEMA chief to The Office's Gareth: 33
• The phrase "You are SO not invited to my bat mitzvah!": 7
• Bush AND hero: 17,761
• Bush AND evil: 50,298
• Tasty AND Kakes: 89

Life imitates The Office

When Gareth says it, it's funny. When the head of FEMA says it, less funny. From Time magazine's How Reliable Is Brown's Resume?:

"Brown's biography on the Federal Emergency Management Agency Web site says he had once served as an "assistant city manager with emergency services oversight"....

However, a city spokeswoman told the magazine Brown had actually worked as "an assistant to the city manager.""

"The assistant is more like an intern," Claudia Deakins told the magazine. "Department heads did not report to him."

And now he's going back to Washington to oversee future disasters. Because if anyone deserved a lateral move, it's this guy.

If you could see it then you'd understand

Should a concert contain note-perfect performances of an artist's best-known tracks, or should they try variations to breathe new energy and passion into the songs? I just came back from a Coldplay show, and I don't know the answer.

It's good to be able to sing along, but the rocked-out "Clocks" was much more rocking than the other tunes, which were replicas of the album versions--to the point where Chris Martin started over on two songs after messing up. At least it was live, but it's ok to miss a note or fiddle with the phrasing. Else it's just a CD listening party with a fancy light show.

Is there anything they don't know?

Models predicted New Orleans disaster, experts say