Yesterday's mass murderers - where are they now?

All over the mass media. To wit, the newly-convicted Klan killer...

And that Kansas serial killer, too...


Credit: all me

And to think that they were both under our noses all this time, riding Kingda Ka and asking for our favorite curse words. Be alert people.

Straight up, now tell me

Paula Abdul has, in essence, got off scot free for sleeping with that American Idol kid. Beyond a few carefully-worded denials and attempts to make light of the situation, she (or her handlers) figured out that it would all blow over. And sure enough, it did, by relentlessly sticking to talking points ("He's only doing this to promote his album!") and dishing up red herrings ("He picked out his own clothes!")

Replace "Paula Abdul" with "President Bush" and "sleeping with that American Idol kid" with "recklessly invading Iraq," and it's no wonder where her rebuttal strategy came from. From talking point discipline to red herring buffets, Dubya preceded Paula move for move, with a verbal prowess that would shame MC Skat Kat.

And yet despite so many unanswered questions, the world has moved on, even for the main players in this analogy. Just look at today's headlines:

1. Former 'Idol' Contestant Clark Busted In Alleged Food Fight
2. Abdul urges tough nail salon standards
3. Bush cites 9/11 in plea for Iraq support (he's making a new argument, right??)

Picture pages

Random pictures = buckets of fun. Just add water.

"So why did you get into modeling?" "So I could model bushy wigs."

Like Jerry Lewis and David Hasslehoff, Kamala was huge in France. L'attraction principale, some dirty Frenchmen would say.

Joe Cocker, rotten food, and lousy coffee. I'd said one of these things is not like the other, but is that really true?

You should be...

• Reading The Wishbones - All about getting married and growing older and not being certain about you really want. It's also set in Jersey, and the lead's main job is playing in a wedding band. What's not to like? Perotta also wrote Election, but this is his Stairway to Heaven.
  
• Listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Body Workout. A 1983 gem that overlayed 80's pop hits with his accented motivational spiel. The people of California are well served.
  
• Dancing. Yeah!

More than words

How could one decade so neatly encapsulate junior high, high school, and college? By virtue of being born in 1978, the 90's were able to cover that span for me. Continuing the discussion from my 90's pre-retrospective, I offer this playlist from iTunes that are not necessarily the best, but rather the iconic songs that defined the decade.

Listening to this mix takes me all the way from my awkward phase in 6th grade to, umm, my awkward phase in college, with pauses in between at beach dances, YMCA swim meets, high school plays, dirty frat parties, long drives, and a lot of hours under the tutelage of MTV. These are my misty watercolored memories of the way we were. Can't touch this.

Name	Artist	Year
U Can't Touch This	MC Hammer	1990
Ice Ice Baby	Vanilla Ice	1990
Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)	C+C Music Factory	1990
The Humpty Dance	Digital Underground	1990
More Than Words	Extreme	1990
Freedom 90	George Michael	1990
Mama Said Knock You Out	LL Cool J	1990
Let's Talk About Sex	Salt-N-Pepa	1990
Signs	Tesla	1990
Istanbul (Not Constantinople)	They Might Be Giants	1990
I Wanna Sex You Up	Color Me Badd	1991
Unbelievable	EMF	1991
Don't Cry	Guns N' Roses	1991
Now That We Found Love	Heavy D & the Boyz	1991
Good Vibrations	Marky Mark	1991
To Be With You	Mr. Big	1991
O.P.P.	Naughty By Nature	1991
Smells Like Teen Spirit	Nirvana	1991
Losing My Religion	R.E.M.	1991
Tom's Diner	Suzanne Vega	1991
Right Now	Van Halen	1991
Summertime	Will Smith	1991
What's Up?	4 Non Blondes	1992
Mr. Wendal	Arrested Development	1992
No Rain	Blind Melon	1992
Nuthin' but a "G" Thang	Dr. Dre	1992
Hey Jealousy	Gin Blossoms	1992
Jump Around	House of Pain	1992
Jump	Kris Kross	1992
I Got a Man	Positive K	1992
Everybody Hurts	R.E.M.	1992
Connected	Stereo MC's	1992
Life Is a Highway	Tom Cochrane	1992
Rump Shaker	Wreckx-N-Effect	1992
End of the Road	Boyz II Men	1993
Cannonball	The Breeders	1993
Insane in the Brain	Cypress Hill	1993
Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)	Digable Planets	1993
Getto Jam	Domino	1993
Ordinary World	Duran Duran	1993
What Is Love?	Haddaway	1993
Laid	James	1993
Into Your Arms	The Lemonheads	1993
Slam	Onyx	1993
Show Me Love	Robin S.	1993
Today	The Smashing Pumpkins	1993
Gin and Juice	Snoop Dogg	1993
Informer	Snow	1993
Whoomp! (There It Is)	Tag Team	1993
Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)	Us3	1993
Sure Shot	Beastie Boys	1994
Fantastic Voyage	Coolio	1994
A Girl Like You	Edwyn Collins	1994
Longview	Green Day	1994
Lucas With the Lid Off	Lucas	1994
Come Out and Play	The Offspring	1994
I'll Stand by You	The Pretenders	1994
Regulate	Warren G	1994
Down	311	1995
You Oughta Know	Alanis Morissette	1995
Breakfast At Tiffany's	Deep Blue Something	1995
You Were Meant for Me	Jewel	1995
One of Us	Joan Osborne	1995
Stay (I Missed You)	Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories	1995
Doin' It	LL Cool J	1995
One Sweet Day	Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey	1995
Fantasy	Mariah Carey	1995
This Is How We Do It	Montell Jordan	1995
Spiderwebs	No Doubt	1995
Wonderwall	Oasis	1995
Lump	The Presidents of the United States of America	1995
Cotton Eye Joe	Rednex	1995
1979	Smashing Pumpkins	1995
California Love	Tupac & Dr. Dre	1995
Song 2	Blur	1996
No Diggity	Blackstreet	1996
Lovefool	The Cardigans	1996
Crash Into Me	Dave Matthews Band	1996
Da' Dip	Freak Nasty	1996
Killing Me Softly With His Song	The Fugees	1996
Stayin' Alive	N-Trance	1996
Wannabe	Spice Girls	1996
Hell	Squirrel Nut Zippers	1996
Santeria	Sublime	1996
Sucked Out	Superdrag	1996
One Headlight	The Wallflowers	1996
Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?	Paula Cole	1996
Tubthumping	Chumbawamba	1997
Everlong	Foo Fighters	1997
MMMBop	Hanson	1997
Flagpole Sitta	Harvey Danger	1997
Faith	Limp Bizkit	1997
Feel So Good	Mase	1997
The Impression That I Get	Mighty Mighty Bosstones	1997
How Bizarre	OMC	1997
Mo Money Mo Problems	Puff Daddy	1997
Bittersweet Symphony	The Verve	1997
Gettin' Jiggy Wit It	Will Smith	1997
Gone till November	Wyclef Jean	1997
Intergalactic	Beastie Boys	1998
Take Me There	Blackstreet, Mya, Mase, Blinky	1998
Fire It Up	Busta Rhymes	1998
Crush	Dave Matthews Band	1998
Save Tonight	Eagle-Eye Cherry	1998
Hooch	Everything	1998
The Way	Fastball	1998
Praise You	Fatboy Slim	1998
Ray of Light	Madonna	1998
Angel of Mine	Monica	1998
You Get What You Give	The New Radicals	1998
Ghetto Supastar	Pras	1998
Can't Get Enough of You Baby	Smash Mouth	1998
...Baby One More Time	Britney Spears	1999
Better Days (And the Bottom Drops Out)	Citizen King	1999
Babylon	David Gray	1999
Blue (Da Ba Dee)	Eiffel 65	1999
No Scrubs	TLC	1999
Steal My Sunshine	LEN	1999
Nookie	Limp Bizkit	1999
My Own Worst Enemy	Lit	1999
I Try	Macy Gray	1999
Bodyrock	Moby	1999
Scar Tissue	Red Hot Chili Peppers	1999
Livin' la Vida Loca	Ricky Martin	1999

Backbeat the word was on the street

What is the true legacy of the 90's? I attempted to answer that back in 1997 via this college newspaper column. Was I onto something? Or just on something? And is this just an easy way to avoid writing a new post by repackaging old material? Only you can decide.

It used to take 20 years for a decade to be appreciated. The 1970’s weren’t fully appreciated until earlier this decade, when bell bottoms and John Travolta emerged from a rightfully-imposed exile. But the American attention span has gotten shorter, and we are now nostalgic for the history we can remember.

In recent years, the 1980’s have enjoyed a resurgence. On campus, WTSR is stuck in the 80’s every Monday night and The Signal frequently features a 80’s-themed crossword or column. There’s even a website (www.80s.com) devoted to all things from the decade of Pac-Man, Ferris Bueller, and Wang Chung (Does anyone know why, or how, we should Wang Chung tonight?).

Assuming this cycle remains constant, we will find ourselves five years into the new millennium longing for relics from the decade past, and this creates an important question: What will be the cultural legacy of the 1990’s?

Most would like to think that our cultural contribution consist of such respectable fare as Seinfeld and Pulp Fiction, but Billboard charts will tell future generations that we admired the Beverly Hills of 90210 from afar, and jumped-jumped ‘cuz the Daddy Mac made us. For every Braveheart, there has been a Dick Tracy; for every ER, a Herman’s Head. The durability of CDs and VHS ensure us that what is too painful to remember, we cannot choose to forget. So to ease our future shame, let’s relive the forgotten moments and minor celebrities of the decade so far.

The music that has entertained America for the last seven years induces the most cringing. Even though few would admit to MMMBopping with Hanson or zigazigha-ing with the Spice Girls, their recent success cannot be ignored. Similarly, the most popular group in 1990 was the New Kids on the Block. They had the right stuff, at least in the eyes of several million pre-pubescent girls. More inexplicable was the rise of Vanilla Ice, who further shamed the institution of white-boy rap, yet entertained thousands with his Ice, Ice Baby. Millions more pleaded “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em”, as they snatched up the compact discs and parachute pants of MC Hammer. No weatherman could have predicted the outbreak of Snow, who warned us of the Informer that had the mythical power to licky boom boom down.

Those turned off by hip hop took solace in Wilson Phillips, but the group couldn’t “Hold On” for one more album. Similarly, Right Said Fred apparently isn’t “Too Sexy” for obscurity. Also missing in action is Billy Ray Cyrus, who is doubly dishonorable for having brought both country music and line dancing into the mainstream with his “Achy, Breaky Heart.”

The alternative to all of this, so-called alternative music, also produced its fair share of one-hit wonders. Discarded Spin Doctors and 4 Non-Blondes CDs clog the clearance bins at Tower Records. These musicians are the forgotten victims of the recession and remind current chart toppers that success fades faster than an hand print on a Hypercolor t-shirt. Mr. “Butterfly Kisses,” invest your royalties wisely.

This glut of forgotten celebrities can perhaps be linked to the divorce between success and talent. This is most evident in the movies and TV programs of the 90’s. Even Clarissa can’t explain why there were once two prime-time shows featuring Bob Saget. Pauly Shore wasn’t just an MTV VJ, but also an Encino Man and a Son-In-Law. Kevin Nealon was rewarded for flubbing jokes on Saturday Night Live with not one, but two sitcoms.

Those who actually posses a modicum of talent foolishly try to expand and conquer. Witness Shaquille O’Neil as “Shaq-Fu” and “Kazaamm,” or the Bo Jackson Saturday morning cartoon show. A good lesson to take from the 90’s is that you should stick to what you know. In the case of Jackson, all Bo knows now is physical therapy.

But the 90’s have been cyclical within themselves, where washed-up stars can reinvent themselves in new guises. The artists formerly known as Marky Mark and Fresh Prince have become respectable actors. A new show starring Dan Cortese is deemed “Must-See TV.” And Bayside alum Jessie Spano has lapdanced her way back into our hearts. Perhaps snap bracelets and Skidz shorts will return to the fashion runways. Maybe Macaulay Culkin will team up with Kid N’ Play for a Home Alone House Party.

The comebacks of these and other forgotten celebrities are inevitable. Pop culture is too legit to quit.

If you can't join them, beat them.

"Wouldn't it be funny to combine Jay Z's "99 Problems" with the 80's pop hit "99 Luftballoons?" I recently thought, chuckling to myself. Turns out someone else had the same thought. No word if they then chuckled to themself.

It's official: it's all been done before. But rather than sulk about this, I salute those who make the world even more clever-er:

• The blogger behind the header Trump School: Please Open Your Textbooks to Chapter 11
• The guy who came up with this book title: A Portrait of Yo Mama as a Young Man
• The Onion writers for not only penning this article "Bush Challenges America to Produce the Perfect Romantic Comedy by 2010," but for their accompanying graphic:
  
  

To them I say: I see your ideas, and I raise you one: Nuclear Option would be a really good punk band name.