Strike out

If nothing else, the transit strike will let me someday scold my whippersnapper grandkids about how easy they have it. "When I was your age, I had to walk thirty blocks and five avenues in 20 degree weather just to get to my job."

Welcoming words

Thanks to Google Analytics, I now know exactly how many people visit this site (a bandwidth-busting 77 visits in the last month) and, more interestingly, what search terms brought them here. Some relate to specific posts, yet you wonder why people are searching on "kelly ripa eggnog" in the first place. Or "pictures+buckets." And to the 4 people who came here looking for "hotstockings," I hope you found what you were looking for.

Keyword	Visits
hotstockings	4
blackfriday	2
kelly ripa eggnog	2
pictures+buckets	1
nobody listens to andrew + book	1
*blackfriday	1
geico commercials caveman	1
frog procter& gamble	1
picture from geico caveman	1
nobody listens to us	1
cheapskate christmas	1
now alums from the 80's with george michael + careless whispers	1
my chemical romance action figures price in us dollars	1
nobody listens to andrew	1
us weekly kelly ripa eggnog	1
pharrell rolling stone interview	1
this is not awesome geico	1

More adventures in thrift

Expanding on Why pay more?:

• Cheapskate Christmas: The day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday, is a mecca of crazy deals. Two years ago, I scored a $35 karaoke machine, $15 DVD player, and $5 Simpsons Season 1 DVD at Best Buy. Now many stores offer below-cost prices to tempt early holiday shoppers. BFads.net tells where to go first.


• Pitting one against the other: My credit card, for a $50 annual fee, gives flier miles for each dollar spent. Some competing cards are fee-less, so I called my card company up, said I was thinking of switching, and--hollaback--they refunded the annual fee and agreed to lower my interest rate. Even if you don't pay an annual fee, call and asking for a lower rate. I've read that you'll usually get some break.


• Anatomy of a deal: Aquafresh Extreme Clean Toothpaste on sale for $2.00, down from $3.29. Sunday circular coupon: save $2.25 on two. And the store had a "try it free" rebate that refunds the original purchase price. Net: I made $1.54 off the transaction.

For those of you keeping score:
Andrew: 162
The System: 0

Just like Us

Just in: Kelly Ripa "likes eggnog a lot!"

Also: Us Weekly makes my head ache in throbbing dumbness.

Testify

From Rolling Stone's interview with hip hop uber-producer/star Pharrell:

Whose record have you listened to the most this year?

"I like My Chemical Romance and Green Day, in terms of rock. I'm looking forward to the new Puddle of Mudd and the new Strokes albums. And people need to show more love to Ben Folds. Hell, yeah!"

You could learn a lot from a lab

My illict connections to the publishing biz netted me an advance copy of Marley and Me: Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog, one man's memoir of life with a big ass labrador retriever. It's a heckuva book, crampacked with humor, sharp storytelling, and, in the end, a poignancy that'll shake you to your very core.

This intense resonance may correlate to the fact that I too once shared a home with a yellow lab named Annie. Behind that sweet All-American girl's name lay 75 lbs. of intensity that could knock an aunt to the ground with the mere ring of a doorbell. Who, when set free from the chains that bind her (namely, a fraying red leash), could outrun the NCAA athlete in the family. Whose appetite could be not sated by mere dog food, forcing her to snack on the TV remote control and our Brutus Beefcake action figure.

And yet the enthusiasm that awaited me every trip home, with a tail wagging hard enough to clear a coffee table and a tongue falling out of her mouth, always made her indiscretions seem trivial. You can't buy love like that, at least since Guiliani cleaned up Times Square, and you genuinely wanted to protect her during the thunderstorms that sent her under the coffee table cowering in irrational fear.

Would life be better if we were more like dogs? At the end of Marley and Me, the author reflects on lessons learned from his labrador:

Marley taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things - a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity.

Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness and, above all else, unwavering loyalty.

Not such a bad dog after all.

Sweet music to my ears

A man + a plan = a PEZ mp3 player. Each one is built one-at-a-time by a one-man operation who got the legal OK from the PEZ Company. Holds about 120 songs, and you turn it on by flipping the head back.

The iPod Shuffle just got a whole lot lamer. It even comes preloaded with hipster indie music - why doesn't Apple do that?

Could this be the thing to revive my dormant and unwieldly PEZ collection? If it dispenses music as well as it dispenses candy, quite possibly.

Irony

...can be pretty ironic sometimes.

Village People cop arrested in South San Francisco

Has a car alarm...

...ever actually prevented a theft? I wondered this at 4:14 AM
this morning when an alarm went off nearby and stayed on for
about 15 minutes.

Why pay more?

I am a man of many talents, yet the one that makes friends and foes boil over with envy are my mad couponing skillz. Example: I once paid $41 for $82 worth of groceries and shelled out a mere $4 for $18 worth of crap at CVS. How? Behold, some of my secrets:

Shop around: what your momma told you was right-on. The aforementioned CVS often has better deals than the local grocery store, plus they take coupons (though no doubling) and give store coupons to ExtraCare card users. And good ones, too, like $3 off your next purchase. Others go store hopping, buying the big sale items at each area store. Chances are you don't have this much free time. In my fantasies about life after marriage, being able to do this is front and center.

A good offense: Sunday coupons are often correlated to store sales that week. Take 10 minutes to look at the store circular, then look at your coupon stash, and plan your Bill Laimbeer-esque attack.

Collect: Get one of them cheapo coupon organizers that Wal-Mart or CVS sell for $3-$5, then file new coupons there each week. You'll have a much easier time finding that 55 cents off Wishbone dressing coupon when you need it.

BOGO: Many coupons require purchase of 2 (or more!). Save these for buy 1, get 1 sales. Technically, you're still buying 2 items. Don't let the cashier try and tell you otherwise.

Clever: 3 for $3 does not usually mean you have to buy 3. Read the fine print. If you only need 1, don't get seduced into buying more.

Swap: Why throw away unused coupons each week when you can swap with a neighbor? One man's trash is another man's 35 cents off Hot Pockets. Seriously, a friend's father does this and swears by it. Some public libraries even have coupon swap bins (not to mention vast CD and audiobook collections that are ripe for ripping onto your home PC, but that's another post).

Rebates - delicious but devious: Tivo made $5 million+ last fiscal quarter because people bought the box and did not mail in the $100 rebate form. Hint: take 5 minutes, follow the instructions to a T, and be vigilant. This same company "lost" my rebate application. One phone call later, a $100 check was en route.

Study the masters: I find this woman's work inspiring.

What I don't do:

• Buy brand names at warehouse clubs--unless it's on sale - buying in bulk usually costs more than buying the same items on sale at grocery stores, plus you look like a jackass lugging 56 rolls of toilet paper around the parking lot. That said, Costco only marks up their prices by 15%, so if they have something on sale, go nuts.
• Get on my knees - some recommend calling companies' toll-free #s and asking to have coupons mailed to you. In this case, I am too proud to beg.
• Shop at all-generic stores like Aldi - My standards are high, and generic Cheerios lack that je ne sais quoi.

I do all of this not for lack of things to do, but because suburban living ain't inexpensive, and beating the system is a cheap thrill. And I do mean cheap.

Here's to you, Niantic Center

Bob Jingle's and Rain Delay's hometown reminiscences prompted me to check in with my old elementary school. Greeting visitors upon arrival was once a sound clip of their school anthem. It's low-fi, off-key, and yet hauntingly beautiful. But how could it not be, with lyrics like:

The symbol of the school we love
Is a little scallop shell
And everyday you'll hear him say
"In school you must do well!"

Yet there are traces of brainwashing throughout, with lines like:

Now let us sing 'til echoes ring
And pledge our loyalty

Did they really need us to pledge loyalty? After all, where you went to school was dictated by your neighborhood. A mass defection to Lillie B. Haynes was not possible, even though their playground ran circles around our tetherball-less tetherball pole.

So why the Stalin-esque loyalty oath? And why is the little scallop shell talking to me?

Dogs are funny

A play on words

Cleverest headline of the week:




















By the way, would anyone actually pay to see a play on words? I say only if it was a razzle-dazzle musical called "Semantics!"

Google has got your number

Google unveiled their new blog search tool today. Now at lightning speed, you can find the number of blogs referencing:

• rats humping in a wool sock: 2
• free kittens: 638
• Comparisons of the ex-FEMA chief to The Office's Gareth: 33
• The phrase "You are SO not invited to my bat mitzvah!": 7
• Bush AND hero: 17,761
• Bush AND evil: 50,298
• Tasty AND Kakes: 89

Life imitates The Office

When Gareth says it, it's funny. When the head of FEMA says it, less funny. From Time magazine's How Reliable Is Brown's Resume?:

"Brown's biography on the Federal Emergency Management Agency Web site says he had once served as an "assistant city manager with emergency services oversight"....

However, a city spokeswoman told the magazine Brown had actually worked as "an assistant to the city manager.""

"The assistant is more like an intern," Claudia Deakins told the magazine. "Department heads did not report to him."

And now he's going back to Washington to oversee future disasters. Because if anyone deserved a lateral move, it's this guy.

If you could see it then you'd understand

Should a concert contain note-perfect performances of an artist's best-known tracks, or should they try variations to breathe new energy and passion into the songs? I just came back from a Coldplay show, and I don't know the answer.

It's good to be able to sing along, but the rocked-out "Clocks" was much more rocking than the other tunes, which were replicas of the album versions--to the point where Chris Martin started over on two songs after messing up. At least it was live, but it's ok to miss a note or fiddle with the phrasing. Else it's just a CD listening party with a fancy light show.

Is there anything they don't know?

Models predicted New Orleans disaster, experts say

That's Armageddon

Among the top five headlines on My Yahoo page:

• New Orleans in chaos, Bush calls disaster historic
  
• Hundreds killed in stampede near Baghdad mosque
  
• U.S. deaths in Iraq in August most since January
  

Or in other words:

Prescription

More cartoons drawn on the back of business cards.

The night b-school got hard

When people ask me what I'm learning in business school, I can usually tell them. The above has something to do with Competitive Advantage from Operations. Beyond that, I'll have to get back to you. And until that day comes, I will never be allowed to be in charge of anything.

Once you go wet

Kandoo, the new tool in the war against smelly kids, is in stores now. I wonder at what point in the marketing brainstorm process did Procter & Gamble say, "You know, how about using an ass-wiping frog as our logo?"

Are frogs renown for their pristine rectums? Did the focus groups really respond to a self-wiping frog rather than, say, a camel? And "Kandoo" - do kids need to be empowered for this?

I am a recent convert to wet wipes myself and have come to insist on them wherever possible. Yet I find them in few households. Do they have a stigma because they're used foremost on babies and old folks?

Instead of making wipes more appealing to kids, maybe Procter & Gamble should work on a witty, urbane wiping mascot that speaks to our generation. They could call them "Buttlers" to bring in the frat boy demographic or "Asstastics" to appeal to urbanites.

Pippi Hotstockings

The original Girl Gone Wild

What I've been watching/reading/hearing this week:

• Flickr.com has a new Most Interesting feature, updated daily, based on what gets the most hits, comments, links, etc. Some really incredible photography, like this, this, and this, that makes me wish I knew what to do with my life camera.
• Guess-the-Google (via Bob Jingle) - A montage from Google Image Search appears and you guess the search term. Harder than you might think.
• Ben Folds rocked Brooklyn to its hipster core last night. The fact that guys like him can sell out concerts without radio or MTV airplay redeems my faith in humanity. And as a marketing guy by day, it shows the power of the Internet to let artists bypass the mass media filters and connect directly with their fans. Without being on his email list, I would never know that he had new albums or was performing in the area.
• My friend Ian spent at least part of Wednesday eating two donuts. At said concert Thursday night, he gets two girls' phone numbers. We could all learn a lot from Ian.

Sweet dreams are made of these - who am I to disagree?

This is me:

 O
\|/
/ \

********* <-- These are the latest trends.

Note that I am on top of the latest trends.

Example: I just discovered Jack-FM and am smitten like a school boy. If I had a pencil box, I would throw it at my radio and call it ugly, the same way I treated the objects of my elementary school desires. There's no rigid format; just song after song that reawakens the spirit so pilloried by Top 40 or "The Best Hits of the 80's, 90's, and Today!"

They even post their playlist online. Just look at this lineup from earlier tonight:

11:03 PM	VAN HALEN	Right Now
10:57 PM	LENNY KRAVITZ	Again
10:47 PM	VERTICAL HORIZON	Everything You Want
10:43 PM	TERENCE TRENT D'ARBY	Wishing Well
10:37 PM	OINGO BOINGO	Weird Science
10:33 PM	BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN	Prove It All Night
10:29 PM	MADONNA	Ray Of Light
10:24 PM	U2	Sunday Bloody Sunday
10:15 PM	ABC	Poison Arrow
10:12 PM	BEATLES	Magical Mystery Tour
10:07 PM	HADDAWAY	What Is Love
10:03 PM	MOTLEY CRUE	Smokin' In The Boys Room
10:00 PM	EURYTHMICS	Sweet Dreams(Are Made Of This)
9:55 PM	WALLFLOWERS	One Headlight
9:46 PM	NINE DAYS	Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)
9:41 PM	BOB SEGER	Night Moves
9:38 PM	KOOL & THE GANG	Get Down On It
9:34 PM	FIXX	One Thing Leads To Another
9:30 PM	MICHELLE BRANCH	All You Wanted
9:27 PM	B.T. EXPRESS	Do It Til You're Satisfied
9:24 PM	J. GEILS BAND	Centerfold
9:13 PM	HUEY LEWIS & THE NEWS	I Want A New Drug
9:09 PM	JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE	Rock Your Body
9:05 PM	BLUE OYSTER CULT	Don't Fear The Reaper
9:00 PM	POLICE	De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da
8:56 PM	KC & SUNSHINE BAND	Keep It Comin' Love
8:52 PM	QUARTERFLASH	Harden My Heart
8:42 PM	DREAM ACADEMY	Life In A Northern Town
8:38 PM	NAUGHTY BY NATURE	O.P.P.
8:35 PM	CLASH	Should I Stay Or Should I Go
8:31 PM	CHARLIE DANIELS BAND	The Devil Went Down To Georgia
8:27 PM	NO DOUBT	Hella Good
8:22 PM	AEROSMITH	Angel
8:11 PM	HOWARD JONES	No One Is To Blame
8:08 PM	3 DOORS DOWN	Kryptonite
8:05 PM	EARTH, WIND & FIRE	Shining Star
8:04 PM	ROD STEWART	Da Ya Think I'm Sexy
8:00 PM	BON JOVI	Bad Medicine

Not every song both rocks and rolls, but triple word score for trying something different.

---

2008 Update: JACK has been banished to the HD Radio dial. For shame!

"This is NOT awesome"

Finally, some recognition for the quiet brilliance of that Geico ad.

I too was fooled on first viewing. And I too just want to make an omelet.

Goes without saying...

...but apparently not in Florida, where you need to use a billboard:


I saw this on a recent trip to Florida, and after some digging, found a whole state-sponsored website devoted to this. Is this really a problem? Reminds me of that scene in The Jerk when Steve Martin is asked to help stop the spread of cat juggling in Mexico. Come to think of it, maybe this is another Southern thing that I'll just never get, right up there with NASCAR, grits, and anti-intellectualism.

Reviews, Lil' Jon style

Wedding Crashers:
Yeah!

Dinner at Chili's
What?

Nick Hornby's newest A Long Way Down:
Ok.

Yesterday's mass murderers - where are they now?

All over the mass media. To wit, the newly-convicted Klan killer...

And that Kansas serial killer, too...


Credit: all me

And to think that they were both under our noses all this time, riding Kingda Ka and asking for our favorite curse words. Be alert people.

Straight up, now tell me

Paula Abdul has, in essence, got off scot free for sleeping with that American Idol kid. Beyond a few carefully-worded denials and attempts to make light of the situation, she (or her handlers) figured out that it would all blow over. And sure enough, it did, by relentlessly sticking to talking points ("He's only doing this to promote his album!") and dishing up red herrings ("He picked out his own clothes!")

Replace "Paula Abdul" with "President Bush" and "sleeping with that American Idol kid" with "recklessly invading Iraq," and it's no wonder where her rebuttal strategy came from. From talking point discipline to red herring buffets, Dubya preceded Paula move for move, with a verbal prowess that would shame MC Skat Kat.

And yet despite so many unanswered questions, the world has moved on, even for the main players in this analogy. Just look at today's headlines:

1. Former 'Idol' Contestant Clark Busted In Alleged Food Fight
2. Abdul urges tough nail salon standards
3. Bush cites 9/11 in plea for Iraq support (he's making a new argument, right??)

Picture pages

Random pictures = buckets of fun. Just add water.

"So why did you get into modeling?" "So I could model bushy wigs."

Like Jerry Lewis and David Hasslehoff, Kamala was huge in France. L'attraction principale, some dirty Frenchmen would say.

Joe Cocker, rotten food, and lousy coffee. I'd said one of these things is not like the other, but is that really true?

You should be...

• Reading The Wishbones - All about getting married and growing older and not being certain about you really want. It's also set in Jersey, and the lead's main job is playing in a wedding band. What's not to like? Perotta also wrote Election, but this is his Stairway to Heaven.
  
• Listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Body Workout. A 1983 gem that overlayed 80's pop hits with his accented motivational spiel. The people of California are well served.
  
• Dancing. Yeah!

More than words

How could one decade so neatly encapsulate junior high, high school, and college? By virtue of being born in 1978, the 90's were able to cover that span for me. Continuing the discussion from my 90's pre-retrospective, I offer this playlist from iTunes that are not necessarily the best, but rather the iconic songs that defined the decade.

Listening to this mix takes me all the way from my awkward phase in 6th grade to, umm, my awkward phase in college, with pauses in between at beach dances, YMCA swim meets, high school plays, dirty frat parties, long drives, and a lot of hours under the tutelage of MTV. These are my misty watercolored memories of the way we were. Can't touch this.

Name	Artist	Year
U Can't Touch This	MC Hammer	1990
Ice Ice Baby	Vanilla Ice	1990
Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)	C+C Music Factory	1990
The Humpty Dance	Digital Underground	1990
More Than Words	Extreme	1990
Freedom 90	George Michael	1990
Mama Said Knock You Out	LL Cool J	1990
Let's Talk About Sex	Salt-N-Pepa	1990
Signs	Tesla	1990
Istanbul (Not Constantinople)	They Might Be Giants	1990
I Wanna Sex You Up	Color Me Badd	1991
Unbelievable	EMF	1991
Don't Cry	Guns N' Roses	1991
Now That We Found Love	Heavy D & the Boyz	1991
Good Vibrations	Marky Mark	1991
To Be With You	Mr. Big	1991
O.P.P.	Naughty By Nature	1991
Smells Like Teen Spirit	Nirvana	1991
Losing My Religion	R.E.M.	1991
Tom's Diner	Suzanne Vega	1991
Right Now	Van Halen	1991
Summertime	Will Smith	1991
What's Up?	4 Non Blondes	1992
Mr. Wendal	Arrested Development	1992
No Rain	Blind Melon	1992
Nuthin' but a "G" Thang	Dr. Dre	1992
Hey Jealousy	Gin Blossoms	1992
Jump Around	House of Pain	1992
Jump	Kris Kross	1992
I Got a Man	Positive K	1992
Everybody Hurts	R.E.M.	1992
Connected	Stereo MC's	1992
Life Is a Highway	Tom Cochrane	1992
Rump Shaker	Wreckx-N-Effect	1992
End of the Road	Boyz II Men	1993
Cannonball	The Breeders	1993
Insane in the Brain	Cypress Hill	1993
Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)	Digable Planets	1993
Getto Jam	Domino	1993
Ordinary World	Duran Duran	1993
What Is Love?	Haddaway	1993
Laid	James	1993
Into Your Arms	The Lemonheads	1993
Slam	Onyx	1993
Show Me Love	Robin S.	1993
Today	The Smashing Pumpkins	1993
Gin and Juice	Snoop Dogg	1993
Informer	Snow	1993
Whoomp! (There It Is)	Tag Team	1993
Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)	Us3	1993
Sure Shot	Beastie Boys	1994
Fantastic Voyage	Coolio	1994
A Girl Like You	Edwyn Collins	1994
Longview	Green Day	1994
Lucas With the Lid Off	Lucas	1994
Come Out and Play	The Offspring	1994
I'll Stand by You	The Pretenders	1994
Regulate	Warren G	1994
Down	311	1995
You Oughta Know	Alanis Morissette	1995
Breakfast At Tiffany's	Deep Blue Something	1995
You Were Meant for Me	Jewel	1995
One of Us	Joan Osborne	1995
Stay (I Missed You)	Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories	1995
Doin' It	LL Cool J	1995
One Sweet Day	Boyz II Men & Mariah Carey	1995
Fantasy	Mariah Carey	1995
This Is How We Do It	Montell Jordan	1995
Spiderwebs	No Doubt	1995
Wonderwall	Oasis	1995
Lump	The Presidents of the United States of America	1995
Cotton Eye Joe	Rednex	1995
1979	Smashing Pumpkins	1995
California Love	Tupac & Dr. Dre	1995
Song 2	Blur	1996
No Diggity	Blackstreet	1996
Lovefool	The Cardigans	1996
Crash Into Me	Dave Matthews Band	1996
Da' Dip	Freak Nasty	1996
Killing Me Softly With His Song	The Fugees	1996
Stayin' Alive	N-Trance	1996
Wannabe	Spice Girls	1996
Hell	Squirrel Nut Zippers	1996
Santeria	Sublime	1996
Sucked Out	Superdrag	1996
One Headlight	The Wallflowers	1996
Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?	Paula Cole	1996
Tubthumping	Chumbawamba	1997
Everlong	Foo Fighters	1997
MMMBop	Hanson	1997
Flagpole Sitta	Harvey Danger	1997
Faith	Limp Bizkit	1997
Feel So Good	Mase	1997
The Impression That I Get	Mighty Mighty Bosstones	1997
How Bizarre	OMC	1997
Mo Money Mo Problems	Puff Daddy	1997
Bittersweet Symphony	The Verve	1997
Gettin' Jiggy Wit It	Will Smith	1997
Gone till November	Wyclef Jean	1997
Intergalactic	Beastie Boys	1998
Take Me There	Blackstreet, Mya, Mase, Blinky	1998
Fire It Up	Busta Rhymes	1998
Crush	Dave Matthews Band	1998
Save Tonight	Eagle-Eye Cherry	1998
Hooch	Everything	1998
The Way	Fastball	1998
Praise You	Fatboy Slim	1998
Ray of Light	Madonna	1998
Angel of Mine	Monica	1998
You Get What You Give	The New Radicals	1998
Ghetto Supastar	Pras	1998
Can't Get Enough of You Baby	Smash Mouth	1998
...Baby One More Time	Britney Spears	1999
Better Days (And the Bottom Drops Out)	Citizen King	1999
Babylon	David Gray	1999
Blue (Da Ba Dee)	Eiffel 65	1999
No Scrubs	TLC	1999
Steal My Sunshine	LEN	1999
Nookie	Limp Bizkit	1999
My Own Worst Enemy	Lit	1999
I Try	Macy Gray	1999
Bodyrock	Moby	1999
Scar Tissue	Red Hot Chili Peppers	1999
Livin' la Vida Loca	Ricky Martin	1999

Backbeat the word was on the street

What is the true legacy of the 90's? I attempted to answer that back in 1997 via this college newspaper column. Was I onto something? Or just on something? And is this just an easy way to avoid writing a new post by repackaging old material? Only you can decide.

It used to take 20 years for a decade to be appreciated. The 1970’s weren’t fully appreciated until earlier this decade, when bell bottoms and John Travolta emerged from a rightfully-imposed exile. But the American attention span has gotten shorter, and we are now nostalgic for the history we can remember.

In recent years, the 1980’s have enjoyed a resurgence. On campus, WTSR is stuck in the 80’s every Monday night and The Signal frequently features a 80’s-themed crossword or column. There’s even a website (www.80s.com) devoted to all things from the decade of Pac-Man, Ferris Bueller, and Wang Chung (Does anyone know why, or how, we should Wang Chung tonight?).

Assuming this cycle remains constant, we will find ourselves five years into the new millennium longing for relics from the decade past, and this creates an important question: What will be the cultural legacy of the 1990’s?

Most would like to think that our cultural contribution consist of such respectable fare as Seinfeld and Pulp Fiction, but Billboard charts will tell future generations that we admired the Beverly Hills of 90210 from afar, and jumped-jumped ‘cuz the Daddy Mac made us. For every Braveheart, there has been a Dick Tracy; for every ER, a Herman’s Head. The durability of CDs and VHS ensure us that what is too painful to remember, we cannot choose to forget. So to ease our future shame, let’s relive the forgotten moments and minor celebrities of the decade so far.

The music that has entertained America for the last seven years induces the most cringing. Even though few would admit to MMMBopping with Hanson or zigazigha-ing with the Spice Girls, their recent success cannot be ignored. Similarly, the most popular group in 1990 was the New Kids on the Block. They had the right stuff, at least in the eyes of several million pre-pubescent girls. More inexplicable was the rise of Vanilla Ice, who further shamed the institution of white-boy rap, yet entertained thousands with his Ice, Ice Baby. Millions more pleaded “Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em”, as they snatched up the compact discs and parachute pants of MC Hammer. No weatherman could have predicted the outbreak of Snow, who warned us of the Informer that had the mythical power to licky boom boom down.

Those turned off by hip hop took solace in Wilson Phillips, but the group couldn’t “Hold On” for one more album. Similarly, Right Said Fred apparently isn’t “Too Sexy” for obscurity. Also missing in action is Billy Ray Cyrus, who is doubly dishonorable for having brought both country music and line dancing into the mainstream with his “Achy, Breaky Heart.”

The alternative to all of this, so-called alternative music, also produced its fair share of one-hit wonders. Discarded Spin Doctors and 4 Non-Blondes CDs clog the clearance bins at Tower Records. These musicians are the forgotten victims of the recession and remind current chart toppers that success fades faster than an hand print on a Hypercolor t-shirt. Mr. “Butterfly Kisses,” invest your royalties wisely.

This glut of forgotten celebrities can perhaps be linked to the divorce between success and talent. This is most evident in the movies and TV programs of the 90’s. Even Clarissa can’t explain why there were once two prime-time shows featuring Bob Saget. Pauly Shore wasn’t just an MTV VJ, but also an Encino Man and a Son-In-Law. Kevin Nealon was rewarded for flubbing jokes on Saturday Night Live with not one, but two sitcoms.

Those who actually posses a modicum of talent foolishly try to expand and conquer. Witness Shaquille O’Neil as “Shaq-Fu” and “Kazaamm,” or the Bo Jackson Saturday morning cartoon show. A good lesson to take from the 90’s is that you should stick to what you know. In the case of Jackson, all Bo knows now is physical therapy.

But the 90’s have been cyclical within themselves, where washed-up stars can reinvent themselves in new guises. The artists formerly known as Marky Mark and Fresh Prince have become respectable actors. A new show starring Dan Cortese is deemed “Must-See TV.” And Bayside alum Jessie Spano has lapdanced her way back into our hearts. Perhaps snap bracelets and Skidz shorts will return to the fashion runways. Maybe Macaulay Culkin will team up with Kid N’ Play for a Home Alone House Party.

The comebacks of these and other forgotten celebrities are inevitable. Pop culture is too legit to quit.

If you can't join them, beat them.

"Wouldn't it be funny to combine Jay Z's "99 Problems" with the 80's pop hit "99 Luftballoons?" I recently thought, chuckling to myself. Turns out someone else had the same thought. No word if they then chuckled to themself.

It's official: it's all been done before. But rather than sulk about this, I salute those who make the world even more clever-er:

• The blogger behind the header Trump School: Please Open Your Textbooks to Chapter 11
• The guy who came up with this book title: A Portrait of Yo Mama as a Young Man
• The Onion writers for not only penning this article "Bush Challenges America to Produce the Perfect Romantic Comedy by 2010," but for their accompanying graphic:
  
  

To them I say: I see your ideas, and I raise you one: Nuclear Option would be a really good punk band name.

So why should you?

Why blog? Everyone else was doing it. But as any assistant principal will tell you, that's not reason enough, so let me more fully explain "Nobody Listens to Andrew." The title comes from a book given to me at an early age. To quote an Amazon.com review:

"Andrew has something important to say, something he knows is true and valid and urgent. But for the life of him, he can't get any grown-ups to pay attention to him. They are all too busy, too numb and on remote control."

Now that I am older, wiser, and better looking, I have less of a listener shortage. But it would be great to have an outlet for the unfinished thoughts and bon mots that cross my mind.

And so here I am. Rock you like a hurricane.